


A Meditation in Three Turns

by k_no_b



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Gen, Implied Sexual Content, NejiTen Month 2019, One Shot, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-06-26 15:06:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19770754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/k_no_b/pseuds/k_no_b
Summary: "Anyone can say they're in love. But what really counts is when they do the things to show they are."





	A Meditation in Three Turns

\- • - 

“How long have you been standing there?”  
I had come around the corner of the main Hyuga building to see Tenten leaning against a column, looking out of place and nervous. She straightened when she saw me, fidgeting.  
“I was waiting for you.”  
“How did you even know I was here?” I questioned, glancing around to see if the posted guards at the front of the compound had given her an escort.  
Tenten, following my eyes, said, “I told the guards I didn’t need an escort. They told me you were here.”  
My eyes narrowed. “What is it?” I asked impatiently.  
“Neji,” Tenten said, taking a quick breath, “I need a favor.”  
My suspicion was instantaneous. Tenten asking for a favor? “What kind of favor?” I asked.  
Tenten took another breath. The kunai she’d withdrawn from the pouch at her waist swung around her finger, flashing brightly in the midday sun.  
“I’m being sent on an espionage mission, and I was wondering. . .”  
Her kunai spun faster as I studied her features, trying to place her expression.  
“Why are you nervous?” I interrupted, reaching out to pluck the kunai from her grasp. She let me take it, but her eyes sparked in annoyance.  
In a rush, her words running together, she said, “I’m being sent on an espionage mission and there’s a chance I’ll have to youknow, be nice to some boys and I was wondering if you could help me out as a teammate, if you know what I mean.”  
The blush that had begun at the beginning of her speech was in full force now, her face inflamed and blotchy. My forehead creased with confusion.  
“I don’t understand what you’re asking me for,” I replied slowly, gripping the kunai tightly.  
“I need to kiss you,” Tenten blurted, her red face deepening into an unpleasant crimson. She added lamely, a beat later, “For the mission.”  
I stared at her; she couldn’t be serious. Tenten, picking up on my doubt, rolled her eyes and treated me to a fierce glare. “Listen, I know it seems ridiculous, but I can’t go into this mission as inexperienced as I am now. And I’m not going to practice with Lee.”  
“Find someone else,” I said, unable to comprehend how this conversation was even happening.  
“No,” Tenten said. She seemed to have regained her confidence; her hands rested assertively on her hips. “You’re the only person I trust to do this with.”  
She softened for a moment, wincing at my bewildered expression. “Please, Neji?” she whispered. “We don’t have to ever speak about it to anyone, even each other. I just—I need to do this before I go. Please.”  
I looked at her, trying to work out a way around this, but came up short. If I was the only person Tenten trusted with this—was I really the only one?—then nothing could be done for it. She was my teammate, after all.  
I handed her back her kunai, and she accepted it gratefully.  
“What—what do I need to do?” I started, stumbling over my words.  
“Nothing!” Tenten said quickly. “Just—stand there, okay?”  
“Fine,” I muttered, brushing my clammy hands against my pants. “Come here.”  
I held out my hand to her and she took it. Her hands were as cool as the metal of the kunai. I led her down the walkway to the Hyuga garden, where we would be shielded from prying eyes.  
It was hot underneath the sun. I pulled Tenten past some undergrowth until we arrived at the garden wall, lush with overgrown vines. The temperature was cooler back here, among the shrubbery, but it was still oppressively humid.  
I faced Tenten and leaned back against the wall, watching her. She returned my gaze, though I could tell she was uneasy.  
“We don’t have to,” I said, wanting to remind her that it was her idea.  
Tenten shook her head resolutely and stepped up to me, her brown eyes flitting from my eyes to my nose to my mouth and back again.  
I swallowed self-consciously.  
“Close your eyes,” she commanded.  
For perhaps the first time in our four and a half years of partnership, I listened to her immediately. It was quiet in the garden, save for birds calling out to one another. I could feel Tenten’s breath stirring against my face, inhaling and exhaling.  
And then, before I could begin to let my thoughts wander, Tenten was kissing me. Her mouth pressed against mine politely, our lips lined up against each other.  
I thought, this isn’t so bad. I thought, this is simple and easy. But then Tenten pulled back and let her hands rest on my shoulders. Her lips brushed mine again, but this time, they were mismatched. She leaned into me more, and her lips encompassed mine.  
Something in the bottom of my stomach urged me to wrap my arms around her. I withstood the impulse, but the pull was insistent. Without really deciding to do so, my hands found themselves resting lightly on Tenten’s waist, just above her hips.  
Clearly taking this as encouragement, Tenten took the liberty to run her tongue across my bottom lip. Shocked, I jolted back from her, glaring in surprise.  
“I’m sorry,” she said, but she didn’t look it. “Close your eyes again.”  
Slower to obey this time, I noted the blush coloring her cheeks before shutting my eyes.  
Tenten was not polite this second occasion. She placed one hand on my chest, her fingers splayed above my heart. The other she pressed against my cheek, turning my head slightly as she kissed me.  
Her kisses became more successive, but it wasn’t particularly enjoyable until I finally relaxed enough to try to mimic what she was doing. A thrill ran across my skin as we found a rhythm that worked—a push and pull that seemed natural to me.  
I don’t remember how it happened that Tenten and I switched places, ending up with me pressing her against the wall, but it did. Relentless, the feeling in the pit of my stomach urged me to clutch Tenten to my chest, but I held back, instead brushing my hands lightly over her hips and back.  
It seemed like hours later that Tenten finally pulled away from me, her face sweaty, her hair mussed. Realistically, it could not have lasted longer than five minutes.  
“Thank you,” she murmured, pushing off the wall to stand next to me.  
“That’s it?” I asked her, surprised at my breathlessness.  
“That’s it,” she said serenely. With a wave, she slipped out of the seclusion of the undergrowth and disappeared.

\- • -

After the Fourth Ninja War, everything couldn’t help but change.  
Our team returned home crippled, in more ways than one. Gai, with his ruined legs; Lee, with his exhausted mind and body; Tenten, with her heartache over our team’s injuries; and me, with my wound from protecting Hinata, as well as my fragmented future. All our plans had been weakened or destroyed. No more could I pursue my dream of being the greatest ninja in the village—that title had clearly been won by Naruto and others. Sakura was incessant in reminding me that I was lucky to be alive; due to the severity of my injuries, I could not serve the village as I had previously, in any missional capacity.  
My recovery took months, and throughout my rehabilitation I nursed my disappointment and newfound jealousy—an emotion I had rarely experienced before. Tenten was tapped to join the ANBU corps, Lee was promoted to jonin, and Gai and I were stuck alone, trying to repair what had been broken in our bodies and spirits.  
I did not like the feeling of jealousy. Where before, in my genin days, I had comforted myself within my own superiority, this new monster that lounged in my heart was disingenuous and selfish.  
The less time I spent with my teammates, the bigger the monster grew in my mind. It whispered cruel things about Lee’s character, about Tenten’s deservedness, about Gai’s false hope. But it saved the most terrible things for my own heart.  
The only time this growing voice was diminished was when we were all together, like the old days, before the War. This realization should have solved my jealousy, but unfortunately our meetings were so infrequent with Lee and Tenten’s busy schedules that it didn’t cause any significant change.  
Almost a year after our return from the War, Tenten seemed to sense the trouble brewing within me. Though she was ANBU now, with an unpredictable mission roster, she began to carve out time to train and visit with me.  
At first, I was ashamed that my teammate had to stoop so low to attend to me. I was Hyuga Neji—had my reputation deteriorated so much in her eyes, and in everyone else’s, that I needed to be coddled?  
But—it was easy with Tenten. It always had been. She had always been the one I spent the most time with, who I trained with, who I shared meals with.  
When I shared with her the infringing resentment that was coloring all my relationships, she listened placidly, the way that she always had.  
“Well,” she said finally, when I finished, “I guess the only solution is to spend more time together.”  
The ease at which she said it dispelled my doubts and suspicions of her that I’d been entertaining in my thoughts. Her words were a balm that soothed the envy monster in my chest and reminded me of her innate goodness.  
When she was fulfilling ANBU duties, it was like she didn’t exist. I would go weeks and months without seeing her. But when she was off duty, her presence in my life was constant and steady.  
I came to realize that one of her roles in our team was to act as the unifying force; when she was around, she pulled all of us in, connecting us again.  
Gai, in love with his new job teaching genin, talked incessantly to me about adding my knowledge to the teaching ranks at the Academy. And after Lee and Tenten’s encouragement, I finally consented.  
Teaching was never what I had wanted for my career. For the first several months, I walked each day to morning classes with the distinct feeling that everyone was laughing behind my back. But the students were so impressionable, malleable. Their ideas of the world were half-formed and loose. I came to see it as a privilege to instruct them, and then, later, an enjoyment.

* * *

Almost three years after the Fourth Ninja War, in autumn, Tenten returned from a particularly harrowing assignment. She arrived at the Hyuga compound in the middle of the night, eyes wide with adrenaline.  
When she rapped on my window, my fear of Gai’s death was insistent. But that wasn’t why she had come.  
“Tenten,” I whispered, mindful of being quiet to not awake other members of the household, “what’s wrong?”  
She paced the length of my small room, her expression closed. Her eyes flitted around widely, cataloging the details of my spartan bedroom.  
I sat down on the corner of my bed, waiting for her to share, the thought of Gai’s passing pressing itself to the front of consciousness.  
Moments passed before she stilled, picking up our team picture, taken so many years ago. She clutched it and turned to me; her eyes were filled with a desperation I had never seen from her before.  
“You swore you would always help your teammates, right, Neji?”  
My brow furrowed, my thoughts shifting from Gai to our Academy graduation ceremony. She was referring to the pledge we had all taken upon our induction into the service of the Leaf Village.  
“Tenten, what—?”  
“Answer my question.” Her statement was uncharacteristically forceful.  
I stared at her through the darkness, the waning moon casting gray shadows through the open window.  
“Yes,” I said with conviction, “I swore.”  
Tenten nodded, more to herself than to my words. She set the team picture back on my desk and faced me squarely, her jaw set.  
“I need your help. To be a better ninja.”  
My respect and trust in her formed the words before I could even consider what she might be asking me for. “Of course. What do you need?”  
I watched her swallow, beginning to run through my mind the possibilities of what had happened on her mission, knowing she could never tell me herself. ANBU mission details were classified.  
After seeming to deliberate with herself, Tenten stepped in front of me, her eyes searching mine.  
“Tenten, what is it?” I asked, my concern mounting.  
One of her hands settled on my shoulder. Tenten shot me a meaningful look, then let her other hand brush over my lap.  
Immediately, I understood. My eyes lifted to meet hers, wishing, just this once, she could break her oaths and tell me what had transpired on her mission. Words bubbled to my lips, racing ahead of my thoughts, “Were you hurt?”  
Tenten shook her head, but her eyes were troubled. “No more questions, Neji,” she breathed. “Will you help me or not?”  
My confusion and apprehension aside, the choice in front of me seemed clear. Tenten needed me to help her on her journey to become a better ninja, to set aside her fear. It was impossible for me to hold in my hands all the times she had helped me since the War. She was my teammate, my partner.  
I met her gaze and nodded, just once. Her agitation slipped from her shoulders, and with a wary expression, she pushed me back onto my mattress.

* * *

“You should have seen Boruto yesterday,” I muttered as Tenten slipped away from me, heading to her bathroom.  
“Hm?” Tenten hummed, listening attentively through the door.  
“He devised a strategy to break into the teacher’s lounge to booby trap it. Iruka was livid.”  
Tenten chuckled and stepped back into her bedroom, grinning. “I bet,” she said. “It’s almost unfair for Iruka-sensei to deal with two Uzumakis in one lifetime.”  
“Three,” I corrected, thinking of my niece.  
“Himawari won’t give Iruka-sensei half the trouble that he’s gotten from Naruto and Boruto,” Tenten responded, tugging a loose shirt over her naked body.  
“I wouldn’t be so sure,” I said. “Any offspring of Naruto’s is bound to be possessed by some level of mischief.”  
Tenten smirked down at me. “I’d love to see you say that to Hinata’s face. Besides, a little mischief never killed anyone.”  
I rolled my eyes, and Tenten padded away to the kitchen to prepare tea, as was our post-sex ritual.  
“Speaking of Hinata,” I began, in a conversational mood, picking at the loose threads on Tenten’s comforter, “she’s started implying that I should get married or have children—not necessarily in that order.”  
The sudden stillness in the kitchen made me stop from going further, my forehead creased.  
“Oh?” Tenten called, her tone strange.  
“Yes,” I said slowly, eyes narrowed as I tried to figure out the undercurrent of Tenten’s odd reply.  
It was quiet for a moment, and then I heard Tenten fill the kettle with water and turn on the stove. Unusually, she did not return to the bedroom to wait for the water to boil, as was her custom. I was briefly tempted to go to the kitchen to catch Tenten’s countenance but decided against it, concluding that I was overanalyzing her behavior.  
I listened to Tenten move around her small kitchen, leaning my head against the wall. She emerged moments later, clutching two cups. Her expression was impassive, but I could tell there was effort behind it. She handed me my mug, not meeting my eyes, and sat on the corner of the bed, one leg tucked underneath her.  
“What’s wrong?” I asked.  
It was a testament to our friendship, to our closeness, that I even mentioned the noticeable shift in the atmosphere between us. There was a time when such a thing had not been possible.  
Tenten lifted her eyes to regard me, curious.  
“Did Hinata have someone in mind when she brought this up to you?” she asked levelly, tone teetering on disinterest.  
I studied her, trying to guess at what had upset her. “No.”  
Tenten brought her cup to her lips and sipped, watching me.  
“What?” I implored, wondering at her scrutiny.  
She paused for a beat, then said, “Have you ever been in love, Neji?”  
I stared at her, instantly wary as to where this conversation was headed. “No,” I answered honestly. “What does that have to do with what Hinata said?”  
“Neji,” Tenten sighed, rolling her eyes, “come on.”  
“What? They’re not mutually exclusive to each other,” I replied, feeling more confident now that Tenten had let her guard down some, displaying her exasperation.  
“Do you really think that? After seeing Naruto and Hinata with each other?” she challenged.  
I shrugged. “That’s Naruto and Hinata. They’re an exception, not the rule.”  
Tenten raised her eyebrows at me in a way that made me feel as if I had lost some of her esteem. I sat up; my eyes narrowed. “Do you want to tell me why you’re so bothered? It was a conversation had in passing; she was just teasing.”  
Tenten looked away, sipping her tea as her eyes roamed around her bedroom. When her eyes returned to me, they were guarded. “So, if Hiashi-sama were to tell you that he’d arranged a marriage for you, you would be fine with that? Without even knowing the person?”  
“If Hiashi-sama were insistent on it, I would consider it,” I replied, feeling increasingly confused the longer we spoke on the subject.  
Tenten switched tactics. “What does it feel like for you? When we have sex?”  
I gazed at her, trying to undo the meaning behind her question. Tenten shook her head at me, clearly displeased now.  
“Stop trying to figure out my point. I just want you to answer my question,” she snapped.  
I briefly closed my eyes, remembering the rush of pleasure from earlier. At first, I had always associated our intercourse with education—for Tenten, it had been learning about the male body and all of its weaknesses, to be used for exploitation; for me, it had been both the role of student and teacher, assisting her in whatever she seemed anxious to approach. But later, as we did it more, it became less about learning and more about relieving stress. It had become an ingrained part of our friendship, of our release from varying pressures, that I had almost forgotten that it was something reserved largely for romantic partners.  
“It feels. . . good,” I answered, wincing at my lame response. As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew this wasn’t what Tenten wanted to hear. She shot me a withering glance.  
Feeling cornered, I continued angrily, “I don’t understand what you want me to say. We’ve never talked about this before. What do you feel when we have sex?”  
I couldn’t place Tenten’s expression. I wanted clarity on what she was searching for, my heart beating fast in irritation.  
Finally, she smiled. But it wasn’t the pleasant, reserved smile she wore daily, or the sloppy kind of grin she wore after climaxing. Her lips were perched upward with a mix of bitterness and humiliation I hadn’t seen her wear before.  
“You idiot,” she exhaled, shaking her head. “I’m in love with you.”  
Her words didn’t register with me. She waited, for one moment, and then two, before sighing in disappointment. She grasped her teacup, now empty, and took mine from my hands, still full, and returned to the kitchen to dump the contents into the sink.

\- • -

I walked around in a daze for the next week. Luckily for Tenten, she had another long-lasting mission. She disappeared without a trace the morning after her confession; the only sign of her visit at all was the look of perpetual bewilderment on my features. But I had always been difficult to read. The only ones who took enough notice to ask were Lee and Hinata.  
“Neji, what happened to you?” Lee asked me, running into me outside of the Academy, where he had just dropped off his son. His overgrown eyebrows arched in surprise. “You look terrible,” he added unhelpfully.  
I shook my head and shouldered past him; I couldn’t bear to relay it to Lee—he knew nothing about the type of friendship Tenten and I had, and I knew I couldn’t trust him with information that would eventually find itself to Gai’s ear. I flushed even thinking about our teacher learning of all the ways Tenten and I “helped” each other.  
Hinata, however, was far more delicate in her perceptiveness.  
A few days after Tenten had departed for her newest mission, Hinata and I were outside, enjoying a late summer afternoon in the Hyuga compound’s garden. Himawari was crawling along, plucking at bugs and blades of grass.  
“Big brother, you’ve seemed changed this week,” Hinata began, her face placid as she watched her daughter carefully.  
When I didn’t answer right away, she continued as if she hadn’t paused, “Like something is bothering you. Did something happen?”  
I debated on what I should share, if anything. Besides Tenten, Hinata was the person who I shared most of my thoughts and struggles with. But this time was different. I prided myself on protecting Tenten’s privacy and my own—which was the reason why no one knew how we spent our spare time.  
I glanced at Hinata from the corner of my eye. She had always given me good advice before, though I had never asked for her opinion on something so personal.  
I sighed. I had lost my opportunity to discuss my confusion with Tenten, but conferring with Hinata, who knew me almost as well, might help unravel my tangled thoughts.  
“Tenten and I had an argument,” I said, watching my cousin. But I should have known better—she was a Hyuga still, even though her last name was now Uzumaki. Hinata’s face remained expressionless, as if I had merely announced the shifting of the wind’s direction.  
“Is that so,” she murmured passively. “What about?”  
“She—I mentioned to her what you said to me, a few weeks ago. When you talked about me getting married and having children,” I said. “When you said that to me, were you trying to suggest someone?”  
Hinata shifted, wrapping her arms loosely around her knees, the way she used to sit as a girl.  
“No, you know I was only teasing, don’t you, Neji?” she implored tensely.  
I nodded and Hinata visibly relaxed.  
“So,” Hinata continued, glancing at me again, “Tenten was . . . upset by what I said? Did you tell her I was being silly?”  
“Yes,” I answered.  
“Is that what the argument was about?” Hinata asked.  
“Not exactly,” I said. I paused for a moment then exhaled, “She asked me if I had ever been in love. I said I hadn’t, which led to a conversation about if I would accept an arranged marriage, if Hiashi-sama planned one. That made her very upset.”  
Hinata had turned to stare at me during my explanation. Now she waited, expectantly, for me to continue. When I didn’t, Hinata patted my shoulder gently.  
“Neji, is there more to this than you’re sharing?”  
I tensed, resistant to the idea of sharing my private moments with Tenten to a family member I regarded like a sister. Eventually, I nodded, tightlipped.  
Hinata smiled encouragingly. “You don’t have to tell me,” she said. Hinata took a breath, and cast a surveying eye to Himawari, who was preoccupied with a caterpillar lounging on a leafy plant.  
“Neji, what do you think love is?”  
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at her question. I had never believed love was only for romance. I had love for my teammates—Lee, Gai, Tenten. I had love for my family, in its own way; love for Hinata and Naruto, Himawari, and Boruto. I had love for my students, for my fellow teachers, for my village. But the soul-crushing yearning for a person that was detailed in Kakashi’s numerous romance novels was not something I’d ever felt. I told Hinata so.  
She listened to my tirade with amusement in her eyes, a small smile on her mouth. “Neji, that’s not what she was asking.”  
“I know that,” I replied sharply. “And I answered her honestly, that I hadn’t been in love. Tell me, how did you know you were in love with Naruto?”  
I had heard the story many times before, told both from her own mouth and Naruto’s, but I wanted a real explanation this time, something I could tangibly hold in my hands and sift through.  
“My heart first opened to Naruto because he was kind to me,” Hinata said. “It’s not so different from what you yourself have experienced. By watching him I was encouraged to change.” Hinata shrugged. “And from there, my esteem of him grew. He became the person I most wanted to support, I most wanted to spend time with. Maybe I had always loved him from that first moment but didn’t realize what it was until it had already fully grown in my heart.”  
“Hinata,” I interrupted, my impatience surfacing, “Tenten and I aren’t you and Naruto.”  
“No,” Hinata responded slowly, “but tell me this, brother, who was the one who pulled you out of your spiral all those years ago? Who was the person who encouraged you to try something new, something that you didn’t even want for yourself? Who was the one who has stood by you all these years, sacrificing their time to be with you?”  
“I already know she’s in love with me,” I said crossly.  
Hinata gaped at me. “What?”  
“She confessed to me. After we argued.”  
“And you rejected her?” Hinata pressed.  
I shook my head. “I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t answer her.”  
Hinata’s expression morphed into a disappointment I had rarely seen. “Neji, I can’t believe you.”  
I sighed inwardly, beginning to regret my choice to bring it up.  
“Brother,” she whispered. “You should have said something to her.”  
“Like what?” I demanded, indignant. “Tell her that I love her too, even though I’ve never felt that way, and have no idea what it’s supposed to feel like?”  
“Love isn’t a feeling,” Hinata said quietly, as if trying to calm down a small child.  
“What is that supposed to mean? Of course it is.”  
“It is, but it’s not a constant feeling. Oftentimes, it’s just a rush of emotion. But real love, the kind of love that lasts, is a choice; you make the other person your priority, because you want the best for them, and you want them to stay. Anyone can say they’re in love. But what really counts is when they do the things to show they are,” Hinata finished, getting to her feet to go crouch next to Himawari.  
I watched Hinata guide her daughter to a cluster of sunflowers, smiling despite myself at Himawari’s delighted squawks.  
As I stood to leave them, Hinata called over her shoulder to me, “Just think about what I said, Neji. I think it would help if you discussed it with Tenten, too.”  
I nodded and slipped away to a more secluded area of the garden, intending to meditate.  
I sat down by a reflecting pool that I liked, and breathed deeply, closing my eyes. Several minutes passed, but my thoughts were distracted, almost untamable as they whipped back and forth between images of Tenten, naked, smiling up at me, and glaring at me with scorn.  
I exhaled and opened my eyes. Had I missed her like this before, with this almost painful twinge? Or was it merely a physical reaction from being apart? Maybe a side effect from our unresolved conversation? Surely, I’d ached for her like this before, hadn’t I?  
I cradled my head in my hands, gazing into the reflecting pool. Had I overcomplicated it—was it possible love could be so simple, like Hinata said?  
Hinata and Naruto were the only examples I had of romantic love. I knew my father had loved my mother dearly before she died, but I had not seen it first-hand. There were others in the village, of course—Sakura and Sasuke, Ino and Sai, Shikamaru and Temari. . . But my closeness to these couples was limited—their relationships were their own business as far as I was concerned.  
I mulled Tenten over in my mind. As genin, we had all been insufferable to each other, but as we grew in our abilities and trained, we came to depend on one another. We were teammates—me, Tenten, Lee, and Gai. I couldn’t separate our relationships, even though in functionality we were paired off often. We were only teammates—all of us, together.  
Then, when we were barely sixteen, she kissed me, under the guise of preparing for her first espionage mission. But even that had been a small blip—barely noticeable compared to what followed.  
The War altered us. No more were we Team Gai. We only belonged to ourselves. Until Tenten let me belong to her.  
I ran a hand through my hair, stressed. I got to my feet and started pacing, growing increasingly more agitated.  
In the depths of my cruel jealousy of her and Lee, she had reached out with hands of healing. She had given me her time, her encouragement, her advice. My partner. My friend.  
That night. That night when she slipped through my window and asked me to help her—to teach her, to sacrifice something of myself for her—I had accepted her terms. And where had that led? To years of being together, breathing the same air, touching places secret and sacred only to us. I knew her body, her moods, her secrets and promises and hiding spaces as well as my own.  
Had she loved me the entire time? Or only part of the time? Was her choice recent? How long had she been nursing this within her heart? Did the level of her displeasure mean it had been protracted?  
I kicked a loose rock in frustration. Damn it all, why couldn’t she be here to settle this?  
My mood had soured so completely that I felt I had no choice but to go straight to the Hokage’s office and demand to know the timetable for her return.  
Naruto had his head buried under a pile of paperwork when I entered, though his mind seemed elsewhere, tapping a finger against his temple absently.  
“Good evening, Hokage-sama,” I greeted tightly.  
Naruto looked up, grinning. “Neji! Kind of late to be paying me a visit, isn’t it?” he asked good-naturedly.  
But I was not in the mood for a chat. “Will you tell me when Tenten is expected to return from her latest mission?”  
Naruto cocked his head at me, bemused. “Neji, you know I can’t release secret mission details, even if you are family.”  
“I’m not asking for details,” I responded firmly. “I simply want to know what date she’s due back to the village.”  
Naruto raised his eyebrows but shuffled through some papers on his desk. He selected one and scanned its contents. “This says here she’s not expected back for another few weeks. What—?”  
But with a quick bow, I left Naruto’s office, burning with fury at Tenten and ANBU and most severely, myself, for letting her leave without asking a single question.

* * *

The wait for Tenten’s return was more frustrating with each day that passed. I had my students to distract me during the day, but when evening came, I was beside myself with anxiety.  
One evening, Lee suggested we visit Gai, and I accepted gratefully, willing for the diversion.  
Gai welcomed us robustly when we knocked on his door, his beaming face bright and positive. His hair had begun to turn gray, threads of silver slipped in and out of view as he led us into his living room.  
Lee strode into the kitchen to prepare tea, and Gai turned his laser-like focus onto me.  
“Neji, it’s been so long since we’ve caught up. How are things?”  
I struggled to answer his question adequately and settled on discussing Academy students we both had the pleasure (or displeasure, in some cases) of teaching. When Lee returned with the tea, I accepted my cup and fell silent, letting them lead the conversation. But that only lasted so long.  
Gai turned to me, his eyebrows raised expectantly. “Neji, how is our dear flower, Tenten? You see her more often than we do—she’s always coming and going.”  
I debated on what to share. Any hint of conflict, and Lee and Gai would pick it apart. I decided to state only a fact, “She’s on a mission right now.”  
Lee and Gai waited for me to continue, but when I didn’t, I saw them exchange looks out of the corner of my eye. Thankfully, neither commented on it, and Lee began an anecdote about his son, Metal.  
An hour or so later, as Lee and I stood to leave, Gai held up his hand. “Neji, stay a moment, won’t you?”  
Damn. I glanced at Lee, who was lingering in the doorway, and waved him on, tense. I sat back down and faced Gai, feeling guarded.  
“Neji,” Gai said, “I couldn’t help but sense that something is bothering you.”  
I shook my head but didn’t reply.  
Gai’s face was stern. “You don’t have to share it with me, of course, but you’ve been distant these last few weeks. More so than usual.”  
“You don’t have to lecture me, sensei,” I cautioned, wanting him to back off.  
Gai brushed this off with a wave of his hand. “I’m not lecturing. You have always kept me at arms-length, even as a teammate. But we aren’t teammates any longer. I had hoped you had come to consider me as a friend, if not a father figure, after all of these years.”  
This stung. While Gai and I were completely different, he had been a mentor to me, and I respected him deeply, in my own way. When I opened my mouth to say as much, Gai shook his head strictly.  
“This isn’t about that. The four of us may not be on a team anymore, but all of you are like my children. I can sense when something is strained.”  
I blinked at him, waiting. Gai leaned forward in his wheelchair, his dark eyes steely. “I know about you and Tenten,” he said, barely above a whisper.  
Something in the way he said it told me that he wasn’t speaking about our argument—he was referencing our physical relationship. I swallowed against the hard lump in my throat, my face reddening.  
“How did you—?” I staggered out.  
“Tenten told me. Ages ago.”  
“She what!” I cried, standing to my feet in indignation.  
“Well,” Gai amended, cocking his head to the side, “not exactly. I asked her a question and the way she answered told me all I needed to know. The rest was just guesswork.” Gai leaned back into his chair, looking proud of himself.  
When he noticed I was still standing, speechless, he bade me to sit down. “Neji, don’t be shocked. I haven’t told a soul.”  
I found my voice. “You haven’t said anything to Lee? At all?”  
Gai shook his head. “You know Lee. He can’t keep a secret.”  
“Why haven’t you said anything to me then, for all of these years?” I shot back. “Or Tenten, for that matter?”  
Gai shrugged. “It wasn’t my place. You hadn’t confessed to me. And if you two were happy, who was I to interfere?”  
My mind was racing back, remembering all the times over the past few years where I’d interacted with Gai. Had I also given it away?  
“I’m only finally bringing it up because I can tell something has changed. Now, do you want to talk about it, since I already know your secret?”  
I weighed my options. With Hinata I’d wanted to preserve my propriety. But it was already tainted in Gai’s eyes. I had never put much stock in his advice, though I knew he was wise. I eyed him, and something in his gaze told me to trust him, just this once.  
I sank back down onto the couch and told him everything.

Gai was an attentive listener.  
When I finished, ending with the advice I’d received from Hinata, Gai leaned forward and patted my knee sympathetically.  
“Matters of the heart are fraught with obstacles,” he commiserated.  
I stared back at him, trying not to cringe.  
“Well, Neji, what are you going to say to Tenten when she returns?”  
I was tempted to shrug. Instead, I muttered, “I don’t know what to say. I think she wants me to propose to her.”  
Gai tapped his fingers against his knee. He shook his head slowly. “I don’t think that’s what she wants. I think it’s simply that she wants reassurance. Of your commitment to her.”  
“But we aren’t committed,” I replied flatly.  
“Maybe that’s the problem,” Gai said calmly.  
I stared at the floor, feeling stubborn. “She’s never asked me to be committed to her. I’ve—I thought we understood each other.”  
“I think it’s clear that Tenten thought you did too, until you mentioned the possibility of being united to another. And your answers to her questions didn’t help matters.”  
“That’s obvious,” I said. A headache was starting behind my eyes.  
“I think what you need to decide, Neji, is what do you really want out of your relationship with Tenten.”  
“I want things to be like they were, before we argued,” I said.  
Gai looked at me sadly, smiling gently. “You know that’s not possible. The past can’t be re-formed. You can only move forward, knowing where Tenten is standing, and deciding if you want to join her.”  
I gazed at him, surprised by his eloquence. “Thank you,” I said.  
Gai beamed. As I walked over to the front door, Gai called, “Don’t overthink so much, Neji. Tenten is an easy person to love.”  
I glanced at him over my shoulder and smiled. Gai was giving me a thumbs up, his grin magnanimous. I nodded at him, grateful for his well wishes.

* * *

As Tenten’s expected return drew closer, I took to dropping by Naruto’s office each day, checking to make sure her mission was still on schedule. By my fourth day of doing this, Naruto didn’t even look up when I entered, simply stating, “Nothing’s changed, Neji.”  
After almost a week of traipsing up to his office, Naruto said upon my entrance one evening, “She’ll be back tomorrow, as long as something doesn’t come up.”  
I stilled in the doorway. Naruto glanced up; his blue eyes were tired but sharp.  
“Do you know what you’re going to do?” he asked me knowingly. I absently wondered how much my cousin had shared.  
I nodded, but I was feeling more unsure now than I had a few moments ago.  
“Just speak from your heart,” Naruto advised dismissively, turning back to his stacks of paperwork.  
I bit back a retort and slipped back into the hallway.  
I intended to go back to the Hyuga compound to eat and retire for the evening, but my feet carried me elsewhere.  
There was little traffic coming through the city gates at this time of day, but they were still open. The guards were yawning as I walked over to them. “Has an ANBU squad returned today?” I asked.  
One guard looked up at me suspiciously, but his partner obediently shuffled through their records. “No,” the recordkeeper said, scanning his list. “They aren’t due back until nightfall tomorrow.”  
“Will you send a message to the Hyuga compound if they return early?” I asked.  
“Sure.”  
Nodding at them, I glanced at the gates again, trying to feel comforted that Tenten would be back soon. My nerves only seemed to grow.

* * *

The next day, having received no message through the night, I went to the Academy as usual and taught my classes. I had lunch with Gai, though I had difficulty holding up my end of the conversation.  
By school day’s end, I was beside myself with apprehension. I went to mine and Tenten’s old training grounds to meditate, but my thoughts could not be silenced. I paced around the enclosure where Tenten often did her target practice, touching the trees she’d hacked at with her myriad of tools. I got lost in the memories of battles we’d waged against each other. I walked around feeling like I was chasing shadows.  
By dusk, I had received no message detailing her team’s return. I resolved myself to wait at her door, no matter how desperate it looked. I settled myself into the corner at the top of the stairs, out of the way but not hidden from sight. I closed my eyes and began my breathing exercises, feeling I could at least control this, if not my thoughts.

I awoke to the awareness of someone touching me, a hand on my knee. Like lightning, my fingers shot out, grasping their fingers tightly before they could pull away. I opened my eyes and immediately let go upon seeing who the hand belonged to, dazed. When had I fallen asleep?  
Tenten stared down at me curiously. She looked exhausted; her hair was messy and loose, hanging limply at her shoulders.  
It was dark and quiet. I peered up at Tenten, disoriented. “What time is it?” I asked softly.  
Tenten shrugged. “After midnight, I think,” she whispered back. “How long have you been here?”  
I shook my head; I had no recollection of falling asleep.  
“Do you want to come inside?” Tenten asked slowly, her gaze unwavering.  
“Yes.” I got to my feet and reached out for the scroll she always traveled with, easing it off her shoulder.  
Her apartment had gotten slightly dusty in her absence. Absentmindedly, Tenten strolled through her home, turning on lights. She brushed her hand across her coffee table before sitting down in front of it. She gazed up at me, expectant. I sat down, facing her.  
“How was your mission?” I asked quietly, peculiarly breathless now that she was back within arms’ reach.  
Tenten didn’t answer. The longer the silence stretched between us, the more I didn’t want to be the first to break it.  
A few moments later Tenten ran a hand through her hair and said tiredly, avoiding my gaze, “Listen, Neji, I’ve been thinking. And I’ve come to the realization that Hinata is right. You should get married and have kids—you’re one of the only ninjas from our year who hasn’t. I realized while I was gone that I’ve been selfish, keeping you to myself all these years. So, I think you should follow your cousin’s advice.”  
“That’s not what I want,” I uttered.  
“Look at Lee,” Tenten continued, as if she hadn’t heard me. “He has Metal. And Hinata has Boruto and Himawari. What do we have? Our jobs and duties, training—”  
“We have each other,” I interrupted.  
Tenten visibly flinched at this and met my eyes again. “Neji, please.”  
“What did you think we had? Before all of this?” I asked.  
Tenten pressed her fingers to her eyes. I wondered when the last time was that she’d slept through the night. “I don’t want to talk about before,” she exhaled.  
“Well, I do,” I retorted angrily. “Be honest with me.”  
Tenten sighed and leveled her gaze at me. “What does it matter what I think it was?” Tenten snapped. “They weren’t the same.”  
“You never asked me to be yours,” I stated heatedly. “It was unfair of you to hold me to something you never asked for.”  
Tenten glared, her face flushed pink. She pursed her lips, then said, “I thought we understood each other.”  
I crossed my arms. “So did I.”  
We paused in our frustration, holding each other’s gaze.  
I sighed. “Why didn’t you tell me that you were in love with me when you first felt it?”  
Tenten seemed mildly surprised by my question. “Self-preservation,” she finally answered. After a beat, she added, “Besides, who would want to be rejected by the Hyuga prodigy at seventeen? I wanted to save myself the embarrassment.”  
“So, you’ve been lying to me for ten years,” I said.  
Tenten shrugged. “You can see it that way if you want. The truth is I was a little too immature to admit it to your face. And as the years went on . . . it was easier not to say anything. You can understand that, can’t you?”  
I couldn’t, but I didn’t say so.  
“After we began sleeping together, I . . . assumed you knew. But when you mentioned what Hinata said, it was like everything I thought about our relationship was just a figment of my imagination.” Tenten raised an eyebrow at me. “And it seems I was right.”  
“You misinterpreted what I said that night.”  
Tenten blinked at this comment but didn’t reply. Watching her closely, I said, “Hinata told me that love is a choice. Do you think that’s true?”  
Tenten leaned her head on her fist as she thought. “In some ways, yes. In others, no.”  
“Tell me,” I enjoined eagerly.  
“I’m not going to tell you all the ways I’m in love with you, Neji,” Tenten said, looking pained.  
“I’m not trying to break your heart,” I replied carefully. “I want to understand.”  
Tenten was skeptical. She ran her hand through her hair again and crossed her arms before eyeing me, cautious. “Do you remember the day I told you I needed to kiss you? For a mission?”  
I nodded, swallowing; my throat was unbearably dry.  
“The mission was only part of the reason for kissing you. I realize it was somewhat manipulative, now, but—I wanted you to be my first kiss. For a while, I debated making Lee my first kiss, but I didn’t want any attachment, in case I didn’t like it.” Tenten glanced down at the coffee table, recalling the memory. “I expected you to see right through me and refuse. But you didn’t. You led me into that garden, for privacy, and when I kissed you—it seemed like what a first kiss should be.  
“But we were only sixteen. I spent that whole year from sixteen to seventeen watching you, waiting for you to turn back into the jerk from our genin days. But each day it seemed you became kinder and more supportive. I knew I loved you when I turned seventeen, but Neji, that love I had at first—it’s changed so much since then. It’s grown in different ways, in ways I never thought it would. It hasn’t been constant or what I thought it would be. It’s ebbed and flowed all these years; there were times I thought it was gone for good. But I’m still drawn to you, and I decided a long time ago that I would keep you, as long as I could.”  
Tears budded in Tenten’s eyes. “After the War, I thought it was over. I joined ANBU, and you were so miserable—I couldn’t stand to stay around with you and Gai acting as constant reminders of the way things had gone wrong in all our lives. But then, when you opened up to me, I felt like I could breathe again. The more we spent time together, the happier you seemed.  
“And then—after that mission, when I came to you—I was scared, Neji. I couldn’t put myself in a position to be taken advantage of like—” Tenten shuddered, fear resurfacing in her eyes as she remembered.  
Tenten swallowed hard and looked at me, shamefaced, “I was using you. And I told you so. You knew that, didn’t you? I’ve spent years trying not to feel guilty, but we kept going, for so much long after. I never thought—”  
I reached out and touched her shoulder. She shivered, her skin rippling as her hair stood on end. “I wanted to help you, so I did,” I said quietly. “I knew I could have said no.”  
Tenten exhaled heavily, her hands shaking in her lap. “After the first few times, I knew I should have stopped. I had what I needed. But—I kept wanting you. I couldn’t stop myself from wanting you. I tried, Neji. I swear, I tried. But each time I was with you I kept becoming yours. And finally, I stopped trying to separate myself from you. I wondered what you thought this was, between us, but I was too afraid to ask because what if you told me it meant nothing to you? I don’t think I could stomach it.”  
Tenten leaned back into the couch. She briefly closed her eyes and then turned her head to stare at me sadly. “These past few weeks I’ve been trying to come to terms with the fact that even if you don’t leave now, one day you will. You’ll have to. So, I came to the decision that I’ll stop. I’ll let you go and move on.”  
Tenten sucked in a breath and held it for a few seconds, before exhaling—a meditation technique I had taught her ages ago, to settle her mind in anxious or high-pressure moments.  
I blinked and wondered, struck by the features of her face that I knew so well. Could it be as unassuming as a held and released breath? I was struck with clarity, as if all my chakra had been sealed and I had not known it until I was released, flooded with power. I reached out tentatively and knotted my hand in her hair, turning her face to mine. I kissed her, the way I had dozens of times before, but this time, it felt completely new.  
Tenten pushed at my chest, pulling away from me. “Neji, please don’t,” she pleaded.  
“I want to give you what you want,” were the words that slipped out.  
Tenten shook her head, still resisting. “I already told you, I’ve gotten what I’ve wanted, for far longer than I should have. What do you want, Neji?”  
“You,” I exhaled, my heart quickening.  
Tenten fixed me with a sharp eye. “You’ll change your mind,” she said, convinced.  
Slowly, I shook my head. “I won’t.”  
“How can you be so sure?” she retorted.  
“I belong to you,” I said with renewed certainty. “Ever since that day you told me you would stay with me. I—it’s taken a long time, but I think I’m seeing with clear eyes. I don’t want to live a life where I can’t belong to you.”  
My blood raced in my veins, but I felt steady, my mind relieved for the first time in weeks. Tenten clutched my arms, her eyes wide and bloodshot. What she saw brought a bubble of laughter to her lips, and it was transformative—her body slumped forward, her head butting against my shoulder. I held her fast as she laughed deliriously, pressing my face into her hair and breathing deeply.  
“Neji, I don’t want to stop talking, but I can’t stay awake any longer,” she finally muttered, once her chuckles subsided.  
Wordlessly, I picked her up and carried her to the bedroom, laying her carefully on her mattress. “Don’t leave,” she said.  
I smiled and laid beside her, my arm encircling her waist. She was already half-asleep, but I kissed her anyway, desire gnawing at my insides.  
“I love you,” I said at last, barely above a whisper.  
“Please don’t stop,” she mouthed soundlessly. “Don’t stop.”  
I complied and whispered it over her like a benediction, like a promise, long after she’d fallen asleep, only ceasing when I rested my head against hers, the words poised on my lips, ready to be spoken the moment her eyes once again met mine.


End file.
